A Little Reflection

I have spent some time today reflecting on the past 7 months. Maybe it's because today was our IFSP review meeting. Maybe it's because I heard about another family starting this journey. Maybe it's because my mind has been on another family whose baby boy will have bilateral cochlear implant surgery next week. No matter what the reason, I realize we have a lot to be thankful for.

We have been on a wild ride this year. March 21st brought the first diagnosis of profound hearing loss. In April, we received a second opinion diagnosis that Audrena is profoundly deaf. In May, we underwent cochlear implant evaluations, and Audrena became a candidate for surgery. In June, we waited for insurance approval. In July, Audrena received her right side cochlear implant. In August, Audrena's life was drastically changed as she received the gift of sound when her implant was activated. She also underwent what should have been her second implant surgery, but the removal of a choleasteatoma delayed those plans. During the past 2 months, we have watched Audrena blossom in ways she never could have without the cochlear implants. And the fun has just begun! I am thankful for modern technology, a top notch surgeon, and talented Audiologists.

When we started this blog, we vowed that we would be honest and real. This is as real as it gets. These past months were the hardest times of my life, and they came just after I lost my mom, my rock. I doubted doctors. I hated my genes and myself, convinced that I was to blame for Audrena's disabilities (and it may still be genetics, but I will revisit that when the time comes). We cried. We prayed. We begged God to make things different for Audrena. We wanted a miracle. Then I doubted God. And then we went to church. It was ultimately through church that we were introduced to another family traveling the same path. Their little boy is the one who will have surgery next week. I am praying for strength for them next week. And today I am thankful for God, who does have plan for us, even if it's not the plan we had in mind. I am also convinced that my mom has been Audrena's guardian angel throughout this journey, and for that I am also thankful.

We recently heard about yet another family who may be traveling on a hearing journey of their own. To them, I would say that it will be hard, but it will be ok. You will get through it, but don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends. They may not always understand, but they will be there for you. And seek out a mentor family because they will understand, and they will be able to show you proof that things will be ok. That brings me to my next reflection. I am firmly convinced that we could not have made it to where we are today without the support of such wonderful family and friends. Some of those friends have come through Facebook, or blogs, or e-mail, and they have been wonderful mentors to us. They have shared their stories, and they gave us hope when we needed it most. We have seen their children succeed with their implants. Audrena would have been just fine with sign language and no implants, but we wanted her to have the chance to hear us say, "I love you." We wanted certain things for her, and we needed to see that it was possible because at the time we couldn't see far enough into the future to today, when she can hear us say, "I love you," and just about everything else we say to her. I could not have made it to the good place I am in today if it were not for these people, whom we are happy to call our friends. So today I am thankful for Lori, Susan, Karissa, Deb, Anne, Keith, their families, and anyone I have inadvertently omitted. We hope to someday have the opportunity to provide that kind of support to another family because it's a rocky path to travel, and it helps to have someone there to remind you that there will be a pot of gold at the end. It will all be worthwhile, and everything will be ok.

This morning, we met with our team to review Audrena's IFSP. At our first IFSP meeting, we had no idea what to expect, so we were just kind of along for the ride. This morning, we were still along for the ride, but we felt experienced enough to give some input as needed. It was very reassuring and exciting to look around the room and see the wealth of knowledge, to see so many talented professionals who genuinely want to help Audrena succeed. A few months ago, to say that we felt overwhelmed by the number of therapy sessions, and by the number of people involved, would be an understatement. Now that we are in the thick of it, we realize that it's hard work, but we're seeing rewards. We're seeing wonderful progress. We have a team of people who are working together better than we had imagined. And we have confidence. I looked around that room this morning and felt like the pieces have all just fallen into place. Audrena will achieve the successes we had hoped for because she has the right team helping her along the way. I am thankful for every single person in that room today.

When I was a little girl, I always said I wanted three children someday. I never imagined that any of those three children would be anything other than "normal," happy, active individuals. God has a different definition of "normal." He gave us a challenge. But he also gave us a blessing, many of them in fact. Seven months ago, I didn't want a deaf child. I wanted a "normal" child. I didn't want cochlear implants. I wanted Audrena to have normal hearing. Today, we have a new "normal." We have three normal, happy, active children. I have everything I have ever wanted, and more. Today, I am thankful for a loving, wonderful husband, Randy, and our three beautiful, perfect children, Reyana, Kelton, and Audrena.

Because I am the "writer" in our family, I do most of the blogging. Randy often tells me that I write a lot about what I am feeling, and not so much about him. Well, that's because I am blogging from my point of view. I do try to include him the "we" phrases because he does feel the things I am feeling much of the time. I think I can safely say that in this post, he feels what I feel. He thinks what I think. And he is thankful for what I am thankful for. I love him, and I love that we are a team.